35 weeks.....or not......*tearjerker*

35 weeks...... I should be 35 weeks pregnant right now. Instead, I'm 23 weeks post D&C and on my freaking pyramid (period). I should be 5 weeks from my estimated due date, instead, I'm cringing in pain from the cramping and migraines. It really sucks. Miscarriage is a horrible thing to go through. A loss is a loss. It doesn't matter what way you have it. We tried for 5 years to have a baby. We didn't think I *could* get pregnant. Then BAM!!! All of a sudden, I'm pregnant. I had a BLISSFUL 12 weeks. The only thing I remember complaining about was just being over tired and waaaaaaaay too bloated. I ALWAYS felt waterlogged, and it was uncomfortable. Oh, and having to pee every 5 minutes. I'm sure the girls at work got tired of that one too. I was truly HAPPY, and apparently that doesn't happen often. I'm just really, really sad that in 5 weeks (or less) I will NOT be meeting my Alexander. No, I'm not sure if it would have been a boy, but that was my gut feeling. 5 years..... I don't think this is something I will get over, EVER. I want what I had. Mom, I love you, but I want what I had. I'm so tired of you wanting me to get pregnant. Don't you think I want that too? But I want what I had.....I want my baby that died 23 weeks ago.... I'm NOT ready to get pregnant again. NOT READY!!!! I could try to convince myself otherwise, but deep down inside I know everything is too fresh.

Okay, that's enough on that for today......it just really makes me sad. I'm also over all the pregnancy announcements I see on my friends list. One part of me is happy for them, and the other part of me is extremely jealous of them. I wish them nothing but the best, but I think the jealousy will get the best of me. I haven't been to a birthday party, except for my nephew's in October, and it sucks. I want to be around my family and friends as they celebrate birthdays, but I just CAN'T....it hurts too much. I feel like I need to explain this to people, but it hurts too much to explain. There's so many things I want to say, but it hurts. Someone once told me that unless you've been there, you don't know how it feels..... I now understand that statement.

So, going back to the pyramids.....Just checked my fertility friend page, and my last cycle was 27 days, not 28. Shortest. cycle. ever. While that is technically good, it sucks because my pyramids make me physically ill. Migraines, bloating, diarrhea, irritability, mood swings, it's soooooooooooooooooooooooo NOT fun. My last bout with this pyramid crap began right after Christmas, but it didn't actually start until January 5th. I'm quite happy I wasn't sick for 2 weeks BEFORE it started this time, but I'm still sick.....What's bad is that my husband notices it before I do. He acts differently, like I might hurt him physically if he looks at me wrong. That *might* happen, but it might not. It's just funny to witness. So yeah, the cramps, they suck. The diarrhea, I could do without. The migraines are bearable with medication, of course. The bloating, while uncomfortable, is okay with the right pair of pants. The irritability and mood swings are fine, if I'm not pissed at you.

Okay, I left to go get supper and I've forgotten where my rant was taking me. I'm going to finish up for now with some ice cream from the Goal Post......You should be proud of me, I ordered the SMALL!!!! I also ordered a cheeseburger steak platter for supper, but I basically only ate the fries and a couple bites of burger.....not ideal, but not over on calories..... Night....