Changing up...

So, I'm changing up the format of my blog. I will probably still use this blog to bitch, whine and complain about stuff, however, I will try not to be a Negative Nellie.

If you are my Facebook friend, you know that I've recently made some lifestyle changes. I re-joined Weight Watchers in March. I finally hit that "I'm-so-gross-I-need-to-do-something-about-my-weight-and-the-way-I-feel" point. I started on March 8 at 237.6 pounds. That might be the heaviest I've ever weighed. On April 12, I hit the 5% weight loss goal and weighed in at 223.4 pounds. On July 19, I hit the 10% and 25 pound goal and weighed 212.2 pounds. As of August 23, I'm holding steady at 27 pounds gone, leaving me at 210.6 pounds. It's coming off slowly, but that's the best way. I'm making positive changes in food choices, though sometimes it's hard. I enjoy food, sometimes too much. I try not to let it control me though. Anyhow, that's what's been happening on the weight loss front.

I've also decided to start distance running. Yep, me who thinks running is pointless. Well, I've decided that it's kinda fun. I'm trying to use a Couch to 5K program on my iPhone, but I don't like it so far. I'm figuring out the best strategy. I think after next weekend, I need to refocus my effort. Why next weekend? Because on September 8th, I'm running (walking) my first ever 5K. I'm participating in the Back to Football 5K sponsored by Ochsner and the Saints. I'm actually pretty excited. I'll have to be up really early, considering registration starts at 5:30AM and the race starts at 7:30AM. I'll probably walk this one mostly, but I do want to run them eventually. My distance running goals are to be competitive in 5Ks, run the Crescent City Classic, a 10K, and then in probably 2014, run the Rock & Roll Half Marathon. We'll see how it goes. That guy I married said he might start training with me. That would be fun.

On a personal front, I think he and I have decided to stick with mother nature, meaning we're most likely only going to go oral fertility drugs for one more round. We meet with the doctor later this month. We're both tired of trying. Some marriages have ended dealing with what we're dealing with. We're trying to stay positive and deal with what life hands us. If we do fertility again, it won't be til after the new year. It makes no sense to try earlier considering his work schedule. We're not taking adoption off the menu. Beginning the adoption process has been frustrating to say the least. It seems just about anyone can have a baby naturally, but when you have fertility issues and want a child and want to use adoption, it's like an act of congress to get it done. You have to take classes, home study, and have your home visited and inspected. But before you can do that, you have to go to orientation. Orientation is monthly, however, it seems that every time there's a class, hubs is on nights. It seems like his job doesn't want us to have a family. I honestly think that. Most of the times I'm ovulating, he's working nights, and by the time he gets home in the morning, I'm walking out the door to work. The one time we did conceive, he wasn't supposed to be home. However, he was sent home by his boss. And we all know how that turned out.

It seems that I should be "over it" now that it's been 3 years, but I'm not. I don't think you ever get over something like that. Although, it surprises me how bitter I can be about it. I'll just leave it at that.

Okay, I think that's enough for now. I've got work to do, and it won't do itself. Until next time, take care, y'all.

35 weeks.....or not......*tearjerker*

35 weeks...... I should be 35 weeks pregnant right now. Instead, I'm 23 weeks post D&C and on my freaking pyramid (period). I should be 5 weeks from my estimated due date, instead, I'm cringing in pain from the cramping and migraines. It really sucks. Miscarriage is a horrible thing to go through. A loss is a loss. It doesn't matter what way you have it. We tried for 5 years to have a baby. We didn't think I *could* get pregnant. Then BAM!!! All of a sudden, I'm pregnant. I had a BLISSFUL 12 weeks. The only thing I remember complaining about was just being over tired and waaaaaaaay too bloated. I ALWAYS felt waterlogged, and it was uncomfortable. Oh, and having to pee every 5 minutes. I'm sure the girls at work got tired of that one too. I was truly HAPPY, and apparently that doesn't happen often. I'm just really, really sad that in 5 weeks (or less) I will NOT be meeting my Alexander. No, I'm not sure if it would have been a boy, but that was my gut feeling. 5 years..... I don't think this is something I will get over, EVER. I want what I had. Mom, I love you, but I want what I had. I'm so tired of you wanting me to get pregnant. Don't you think I want that too? But I want what I had.....I want my baby that died 23 weeks ago.... I'm NOT ready to get pregnant again. NOT READY!!!! I could try to convince myself otherwise, but deep down inside I know everything is too fresh.

Okay, that's enough on that for today......it just really makes me sad. I'm also over all the pregnancy announcements I see on my friends list. One part of me is happy for them, and the other part of me is extremely jealous of them. I wish them nothing but the best, but I think the jealousy will get the best of me. I haven't been to a birthday party, except for my nephew's in October, and it sucks. I want to be around my family and friends as they celebrate birthdays, but I just CAN'T....it hurts too much. I feel like I need to explain this to people, but it hurts too much to explain. There's so many things I want to say, but it hurts. Someone once told me that unless you've been there, you don't know how it feels..... I now understand that statement.

So, going back to the pyramids.....Just checked my fertility friend page, and my last cycle was 27 days, not 28. Shortest. cycle. ever. While that is technically good, it sucks because my pyramids make me physically ill. Migraines, bloating, diarrhea, irritability, mood swings, it's soooooooooooooooooooooooo NOT fun. My last bout with this pyramid crap began right after Christmas, but it didn't actually start until January 5th. I'm quite happy I wasn't sick for 2 weeks BEFORE it started this time, but I'm still sick.....What's bad is that my husband notices it before I do. He acts differently, like I might hurt him physically if he looks at me wrong. That *might* happen, but it might not. It's just funny to witness. So yeah, the cramps, they suck. The diarrhea, I could do without. The migraines are bearable with medication, of course. The bloating, while uncomfortable, is okay with the right pair of pants. The irritability and mood swings are fine, if I'm not pissed at you.

Okay, I left to go get supper and I've forgotten where my rant was taking me. I'm going to finish up for now with some ice cream from the Goal Post......You should be proud of me, I ordered the SMALL!!!! I also ordered a cheeseburger steak platter for supper, but I basically only ate the fries and a couple bites of burger.....not ideal, but not over on calories..... Night....

So......it's been a week....

I suck at journaling every day.....I really do. Every time I think of it, I can't help but think of Paul Rudd's character in Wet Hot American Summer calling is journal a "gurnal." It just makes me laugh.... that movie is soooooooooooooooo bad.....

Speaking of movies, I wanted to go see on on Friday night. I wanted to seeBlindside, but it was only showing in Metairie, and I didn't feel like driving that long....so we went and bought a couple movies, three to be exact. Let me just say I'm completely ADDICTED to The Proposal. Cheesy, yes I know, but Ryan Reynolds is so adorable....and it IS actually laugh out loud funny! I'm watching it, again.....it's only like the 5th time this weekend......Mama Cass!

So, my week was pretty uneventful, work wise. I need to pay the bills tonight, since the house note is due tomorrow. I hate bill paying, especially house note time.... Oh well, I love my house. Know what I hate about my house right now though.... Mice. Fucking mice. I found, well, smelled one dead the other day. I smelled it one day, took the trash out, because I thought it was the trash, lit a candle and forgot about it for that day. The next morning, I KNEW I had a dead rodent in my house. I found it later that evening, when I got home from work. Fucking rodents. Mice are one of the few things that can make me gag. Totally gag me. They are so freaking gross.

This weekend was uneventful, except for the fact that I can't sleep. I drank a Rockstar on Friday, so that might have been some of problem, but I have NEVER been wired like that. I went to bed around 4AM Saturday, slept til 11, then took a long nap around 3-ish. Couldn't sleep last night either. Finally fell asleep around 2AM this morning. It's really bad when hubs works nights. I really still hate his nights schedule. I was fine with him working nights before my miscarriage.....I seem to have lost some of my confidence.

Speaking of miscarriages.....I found out about mine on August 27, 2009, my fifth wedding anniversary. I just found out that one of my friends has suffered three, one late in pregnancy. It sucks that no one really talks about them. As common as they are, no one talks about them. It's still a taboo subject. It sucks, because those of us who have had miscarriages are really in the dark. You only find out about other people having miscarriages AFTER you have yours. I'm not saying they should be publicly announced, but they should at least be talked about. Maybe people like me won't feel like such a failure when it happens...... What *really* sucks about it is that our therapist keeps pressuring me to find out WHY. I don't want to KNOW why, yet. I'm still getting over the fact that it happened. I don't NEED to know why. I just know that so far, my body has failed at the one thing it's made to do.

On that topic, I started spotting today....on cycle day 27. TWENTY-SEVEN..... Not even on birth control could I have a cycle that short!!! I mean 27 days is a LOT better than like 50 of 60, but still..... Why the fuck now???? WHY? I'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo aggravated with my freaking body right now. It doesn't do what it's supposed to. I'd like to just have it work normal. Ovulate on day 14, start or get a positive pregnancy test on day 28, and have the cycle last like 4 days, tops. NOT 7 or 9. For crying out loud, most things die after bleeding for a day. I'd like to have my period disappear indefinitely.... So, enough about that.

In makeup news, I'm going to try Avon's magic X or whatever it's called......I'll post more on that later. I'm wearing it now, and it's alright, but I really haven't done anything to test it. I'll be going to the gym tomorrow after work and after my ultrasound. Speaking of ultrasounds, a thyroid ultrasound has to be the most uncomfortable thing ever. I'm glad I only have to have it done yearly. I just hope I don't get another student this year. Last year, my ultrasound lasted like 30 minutes. Then I agreed to let the student practice on me. I mean, I know what it's like to be a student. That took an additional 45 minutes, but I did get to ask her questions and really look at it. Yes, that made it more uncomfortable, but still. Wanna know what it feels like? Lay back, and have someone press on your throat.....then move all around that area....make sure they do it firmly. Not only does it hinder breathing, if you're like me, it makes you gag. Not fun. Like I said, once a year......

Oh, I did forget to mention my score of the week. I went to Houma this week for some minor retail therapy. I was feeling down, so I did a little shopping. I got some hand soaps from Bath and Body Works. 7 for $21, not too shabby. Did I also mention that I had a 20% off coupon as well? Awesome! Then I went to Academy for some Saints t-shirts. WHO DAT!!!! Anyway, I needed a new pair of tennis shoes for the gym as well. I scored on my shoes. The regular price was like $109. I got them for $49. ULTIMATE SCORE!!! They're pink. Not too excited with the pink, but at least it's a darker bright pink. I can get away with calling it fuchsia. Did I mention that I'm breaking them in right now while wearing fuzzy fuchsia socks. Yes, I am drop dead sexy right now in my nightgown, fuzzy fuchsia socks, and brand new fuchsia Nike tennis shoes.....all kinds of sexy. Hopefully they don't kill my feet tomorrow night.

Alrighty. It's time for a shower and hopefully bed. I'll probably sleep on the sofa tonight, since hubs is working. I seem to sleep better in the living room because I can leave the TV on. It makes me feel less alone. I'll probably put The Proposal on again......talk with me later.

The Ground Rules......

Just a fair warning....this blog will most likely be slightly depressing, but sometimes funny.......

There's lots of stuff in my life that I need to get out, in order to maybe feel "normal."

This will be written by me, not the façade that I usually put up.....

I will bitch, whine, complain, cuss, whatever....I won't hold back. Don't like it, don't read it.....

There will be days when I post like crazy, and other times I may not post for a couple days.....

This will be my therapy.....and I hope it works, because "real" therapy right now, is making me a little bit sad.......

You can make comments/suggestions/whatever.....I'll read them (I promise), but I may not act upon them......

Alright, now that the ground rules are set....I think I'll start.....or maybe after Goal Post supper..... mmmmmmmmmm....hamburger steak...... *drool*

And WTH.....no Helvetica font????? LOL (If you've watched Will & Grace, that was funny!)